Social Etiquette of a Drunk Girl

Let's be honest.

Alcohol is a fun thing.

Especially in a college town like Madison, where it's so readily available and such a cheap form of entertainment. 

A little alchy makes girls more confident; guys more attractive.  Two mixed drinks can turn awkward situations into comfortable bonding sessions.  3 shots of tequila can elevate you from ho-hum singer, to full blown Madonna status within an hour.  A box of Franzia can transform "Girls' Night In" into a heart-wrenching episode of Oprah.

HOWEVER.

It also has the inconvenient habit of completely eradicating a girl's existing understandings of social rules.  However humorous to a passerby, a sober friend, or the creator's of "Text's From Last Night," the drunken adventures that a girl so "bravely" embarks on, often correspond with the inevitable Sunday "Oh Shit" feeling. So, in order to prevent future embarrassment among my fellow drunk girls, I've created a list of behavior that is not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ever acceptable while intoxicated.

Print this. Copy it. Laminate it. Tattoo it on your ass if that's what you're into. Whatever. Just make sure it makes it's way into the black-out section of your brain, or prepare for the rep-ruining Facebook pictures and Youtube videos.

Ten Things That You Will SURELY Regret Tomorrow If Done Drunk Tonight:

10. Purchasing a McDonald's Meal of ANY Kind

          Whether it ends up in the toilet or on your hips, McDonald's food is not something your sober-self will appreciate tomorrow.

9. Admitting "Secrets" About Your Tragic Past

          Remember that the DJ is not a psychiatrist, you haven't signed any papers ensuring confidentiality, and that a dead dog or cat is NEVER a turn on.

8. Peeing In A Visible Location

         If you have to go to the bathroom THAT badly, please find something large and solid to hide behind.  Try to make sure this "something" is not a street sign pole or a cop.  Just a heads up. 

7. Giving Out Your Phone Number to A Stranger

         Yes, I'm sure he's SO cute and VERY into you, but the exchanging of names for Facebooking purposes is just as effective.  Even better, it gives you a chance to analyze the situation without the obstruction of beer goggles, and helps you avoid sending or receiving the dreaded "Who is this...?" text.

6. Crying.

         Out of love for a friend, sadness over a fallen burrito, or a lost sense of reality (phone and purse) as you know it, avoid crying.  Mascara streaks under your eyes won't look good on your Match.com picture.

5. Splitting Off From Your Friends

        Drunk you might have other intentions, but REMEMBER: a large group of sobbing and shoe-less drunk girls is a lot less likely to lead to a Plan B purchase than staying at the frat for just "one more drink."

4. Admitting "Secrets" About Your Sex Life

        Although the bond created by a shotski might give you a positive outlook on the compassion of humanity, a nickname like "Squirts McGee" will not seem as endearing in sober land.

3. Texting, Calling, or Messaging Anyone Other Than A Cab Company

        The twitter world? You're ex-boyfriend? That bitch from your accounting class? Now imagine all of those options with the adjectives "angry" or "annoyed" in front of them.  Not appealing to you either? Didn't think so.

2. Vomiting Anywhere Other Than A Toilet

        If the party all of a sudden is getting the best of you, run to the bathroom. Don't hope it will pass.  Don't merely aim to miss your dancing partner. RUN. People don't forget the Puker. And they definately don't forget dry cleaning bills.

1. Just "One More Drink".

      No, another Jack and Coke will not calm your stomach, alcohol does not taste any better coming up then it did going down, and "one more drink" has a tendency to turn into three.

      

--K

The Second Semester Spiral

So,

I haven't written for a while. It's quite sad. But one of my resolutions for this year is to be more adamant about tasks that I create for myself. (We'll see if this actually pans out.)

Anyway, It's time to start off this new resolution with a new blog topic: The Second Semester Spiral

Spring Semester starts here at UW.  It's a time for new resolutions: better grades, better workout regimens, better diet habbits... And for the first month or so, the resolutions are strong.

And then begins the Second Semester Spiral.  The homework, the workouts, the cleaning... All of a sudden the resolutions become a little easier to break.  But never fear, of course this isn't going to become habbit... Right? "Oh no... never," you say, along with the following phrases:

• "I honestly CAN'T make it to the gym today... I have too much to do." (One Tree Hill Re-Runs. Really Important.)
• "It's not like one McDouble is going to ruin my diet."
• "I don't even care about this class anymore. When am I ever going to need to know this in real life?"
• "It's just one Wednesday Wine Night.  This isn't going to be a weekly event or anything."
• "But seriously.  I walked to class today. I DESERVE these fries!"
• "I work best under pressure." (Thus waits till the night before a due date to finish a ten page paper)

And then it happens.  The population density of the gym declines.  Revenue from the McDonald's walk-up window increases.  Grades steadily fall.  Hips and thighs increase slowly in size. The Second Semester Spiral has taken full effect.

Avoid the SSS UW! Avoid for as long as possible!  Because once it takes effect... you're in deep S***.

And to all of those who find themselves in the SSS... well... it can only get better from here... right? Let's hope so.

--K 

Bye Bye Bicycle

Scenario Time:

You're walking down the street. Minding your own business. Maybe there is an adjustment of the ipod or an occasional check of the cell phone, but other than that.... you're just walking down the street (specifically the sidewalk).

You've given yourself about 22 minutes to walk to class, knowing very well it really only takes about 15.  But, you're being cautious. Just in case, I don't know, there's a huge parade down University Ave. and you seemed to have missed the memo.  Who knows.

In the end, you're late for class.  Why is this? (and no, today, there was not a parade down University).

THE DAMN BICYCLES.

Bikes. Everywhere. People thinking that they can just hop off of their bikes in the middle of a crowd of people migrating up the sidewalk.  People literally riding their bikes in the middle of the sidewalk. RIDING THEIR BIKES. 

If you're not from Madison, you might be thinking, "Hmm, that doesn't seem too bad. Right?" WRONG.

If you've ever attended class here, you know how cramped the sidewalks are.  There are, literally, thousands of people walking to class everyday, and the sidewalks are already ridiculously cramped. But yet, there are the few, the brave, bright individuals who feel the need to disrupt the already disorderly sidewalks.  Hopping off their bikes in the middle of the sidewalk. Riding their bikes on the sidewalk.  Thinking that its a good idea to cross the sidewalk to get to another road, when there's a perfectly good road right next to them.  

It's called a bike lane. Use it.

And that would be annoyance Number 1 here at this prestigious University.  Home to a thousand bright thinkers, inventors, psychologists, scientists, mathematicians, journalists... who seem to be unable to grasp the concept of a bike lane. Interesting. 

--K

Welcome.

I'm a freak. I'm scatterbrained. I'm flighty. I babble.

AND... I over analyze the teeny tiny little things that the normal person would not even bother to notice.

HOWEVER.

There is a ridiculously high level of sketchiness here at the University of Wisconsin - Madison.  If you have ever gone to school here, walked down Langdon Street, trecked up Bascom Hill, survived the deathly winters of the Northeast, then you know exactly where I'm coming from.

This is an amazing University, of course.  Basically the Berkeley of the West.  However, the people here and their habits are extremely questionable.  Not to say that I don't fall into the questionable category every now and then. I'm sure someone has looked at me and said, "Wow. Look at that freak tripping over her own feet and singing to herself (occasionally accompanied by dance moves). What a nutcase she must be."  But whatever. It happens.

This blog isn't about me though. Its about the strange happenings and occurrences that make going to class and school here so asdhkajhncklsdkjfheiu.

You are now entering The Diary of a Mad Mad MADison Woman. Enjoy.

--K