Alcohol is a fun thing.
Especially in a college town like Madison, where it's so readily available and such a cheap form of entertainment.
A little alchy makes girls more confident; guys more attractive. Two mixed drinks can turn awkward situations into comfortable bonding sessions. 3 shots of tequila can elevate you from ho-hum singer, to full blown Madonna status within an hour. A box of Franzia can transform "Girls' Night In" into a heart-wrenching episode of Oprah.
HOWEVER.
It also has the inconvenient habit of completely eradicating a girl's existing understandings of social rules. However humorous to a passerby, a sober friend, or the creator's of "Text's From Last Night," the drunken adventures that a girl so "bravely" embarks on, often correspond with the inevitable Sunday "Oh Shit" feeling. So, in order to prevent future embarrassment among my fellow drunk girls, I've created a list of behavior that is not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ever acceptable while intoxicated.
Print this. Copy it. Laminate it. Tattoo it on your ass if that's what you're into. Whatever. Just make sure it makes it's way into the black-out section of your brain, or prepare for the rep-ruining Facebook pictures and Youtube videos.
Ten Things That You Will SURELY Regret Tomorrow If Done Drunk Tonight:
10. Purchasing a McDonald's Meal of ANY Kind
Whether it ends up in the toilet or on your hips, McDonald's food is not something your sober-self will appreciate tomorrow.
9. Admitting "Secrets" About Your Tragic Past
Remember that the DJ is not a psychiatrist, you haven't signed any papers ensuring confidentiality, and that a dead dog or cat is NEVER a turn on.
8. Peeing In A Visible Location
If you have to go to the bathroom THAT badly, please find something large and solid to hide behind. Try to make sure this "something" is not a street sign pole or a cop. Just a heads up.
7. Giving Out Your Phone Number to A Stranger
Yes, I'm sure he's SO cute and VERY into you, but the exchanging of names for Facebooking purposes is just as effective. Even better, it gives you a chance to analyze the situation without the obstruction of beer goggles, and helps you avoid sending or receiving the dreaded "Who is this...?" text.
6. Crying.
Out of love for a friend, sadness over a fallen burrito, or a lost sense of reality (phone and purse) as you know it, avoid crying. Mascara streaks under your eyes won't look good on your Match.com picture.
5. Splitting Off From Your Friends
Drunk you might have other intentions, but REMEMBER: a large group of sobbing and shoe-less drunk girls is a lot less likely to lead to a Plan B purchase than staying at the frat for just "one more drink."
4. Admitting "Secrets" About Your Sex Life
Although the bond created by a shotski might give you a positive outlook on the compassion of humanity, a nickname like "Squirts McGee" will not seem as endearing in sober land.
3. Texting, Calling, or Messaging Anyone Other Than A Cab Company
The twitter world? You're ex-boyfriend? That bitch from your accounting class? Now imagine all of those options with the adjectives "angry" or "annoyed" in front of them. Not appealing to you either? Didn't think so.
2. Vomiting Anywhere Other Than A Toilet
If the party all of a sudden is getting the best of you, run to the bathroom. Don't hope it will pass. Don't merely aim to miss your dancing partner. RUN. People don't forget the Puker. And they definately don't forget dry cleaning bills.
1. Just "One More Drink".
No, another Jack and Coke will not calm your stomach, alcohol does not taste any better coming up then it did going down, and "one more drink" has a tendency to turn into three.
--K
